“Our mission: to inspire and nurture the human spirit – one person, one cup and one neighbourhood at a time…When we are fully engaged, we connect with, laugh with and uplift the lives of our customers – even if just for a few moments. Sure, it starts with the promise of a perfectly made beverage, but our work goes far beyond that. It’s really about human connection.” -Starbucks
Treat yourself to a coffee today 🙂
Today, I feel lucky that I have legs, thankful to have a home, aware that I am fortunate and I am also in so much pain. Today grief, anger, overwhelm and cloudiness washed over me and left me a wet rag – “I had plans today-Damn it!”. Today began out quite normal… I got up, made coffee, drank coffee… took a walk around the city… went to a UU service… came home. I have had a “yucky pain week” especially in my hip and lower back. So I took it easy on the walk – I do believe though in mind over matter… at least for a little while, until sometimes when what is “the matter” takes over.
I then had a meeting at noon, which I left for at 11:30, and when I arrived back at my house at 12:20, I had been crying for half an hour and completely broken down. What had happened, was very simply, that I had become lost in an area I am not familiar with. There was a “road closed” sign blocking my usual path… and then commenced the crying, the negative self-talk, the tragedy.
Knowing where I was in relation to my home, I turned my booty around and came home.
At home I found familiar, lovely, healing things. My kitties, my heating pad, hot tea…mmmm. I began to try to rationalize what was happening. If you have any intense fibro-fog symptoms (which I do, on occasion), you might relate to me when I say… HAH… yeah right. Rational thinking went out the window… and more crying continued. Slowly but surely, I have been making small promises to myself such as, I will try to do the dishes… and seeing how far I can get with them. When I am feeling stuck in my fibro-blah, I feel that it is extremely important to keep my body or mind moving (to a degree).
Some things that I have done today to make me feel more spirited… sat with tea, by myself under my pergola… sang a song that I love… hugged my kitty… ate some leftover homemade pizza… and meditated (which was kinda an epic fail…but 2 points for trying 🙂 )
I can’t say that I feel 100% now… my hip hurts, I can’t focus on much, and my life-force feels like it is seeping out of me little by little. I just have a hard time letting this fibro-flood take over my days. So thanks for listening… thanks for living and thanks for being fabulous.
Every time I see a crane ahead on the road, traffic and waiting usually accompanies its path. Cranes move big things, things that are too heavy for a man to move or shift. As a result, man has to wait. Wait for the cones to move; wait to get through the bottle neck of traffic. This waiting can often cause stress, frustration, denial, cursing, and anger. Even those most eager to experience the change of life can loath the challenges of movement.
Of course, as with most change, it is always easiest to see if from a distance. As you go zooming down the highway, it is easy to look at your friends stuck in traffic and say a soft “been there, done that”. I have even been quick to determine what I need to do on my way back to avoid the potential traffic.
Perhaps you have helped a friend, or seen someone go through a struggle that you just finished dealing with. Asking someone to trust the process of life and trusting it yourself are two different prescriptions.
A note to myself as well as anyone reading this… progress can be slow and messy, and cannot usually be avoided indefinitely… try to jump right into it.
“Beauty addresses itself chiefly to sight; but there is a beauty for the hearing too, as in certain combinations of words and in all kinds of music, for melodies and cadences are beautiful; and minds that lift themselves above the realm of sense to a higher order are aware of beauty in the conduct of life, in actions, in character, in the pursuits of the intellect; and there is the beauty of the virtues. What loftier beauty there may be, yet, our argument will bring to light.”
-Take a breath- love your body- be thankful for the moments of joy in your life-
I live by Lake Michigan. It is a beautiful lake that glistens blue and green in the light. Everywhere you look there are man-made break-walls stopping the currents from crashing into the city. Playgrounds and parks are moments away from the shore, creating a picturesque place to take a stroll or swing for a while. It is easy to see seagulls flying through the wistful sky and see sailboats in the distance. As you walk closer, you can start to see the graffiti on the boulders, the cigarette buds sinking in the sand next to a sea shells; you can here the children giggling, but also the adults yelling and swearing. It is a beautiful lake, and yet- it is scarred.
This being said, everyday that I can walk down and see it; see the waves crashing and hear the seagulls squaking, I am rejuvenated. There are moments that I think I would be cured if I somehow found a way to just stay out there and breathe in the day- no responsibilities, no obligations. Somehow, the imperfections on the landscape, mirror how I feel everyday. I want to see myself as a beautiful person, and people usually feel comfortable around me. Yet, this is all from a distance- few people really know me, and see me up close. Few know about the daily struggles I face with fibromyalgia- the trials when trying to get to sleep, the struggle the next morning when I decide to have a glass of wine the night before, or the fog that my brain feels during times of stress (minimal or great). This is my graffiti; my seagull shit.
My question is, does this graffiti make the landscape less beautiful? more beautiful? or does the whole thing, in what it is – just happening together without need of explanation. Are we people scarred by pain- or are we people tasked with making pain beautiful? Should we be trying to scrub the graffiti off so no-one sees it?, or wear it proudly as a part of who we are?
Part of what I am trying to say, is that it is okay to feel like hell- and most of all, it is okay if nothing is working, if you knew you weren’t supposed to drink that glass of wine and you did anyway, or if you didn’t get out of bed today or if you pushed through only to cry in your office bathroom while downing Advil and re-applying your make-up. Hiding your symptoms and your pain only makes the emotional state of things worse on you and your body. Speak out and ask for support 🙂
You are beautiful- and everyone can see it.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
So here you are… you just got out of the doctor’s appointment. You have been poked, prodded, “maam, can you bend over slowly”, “sir, do you have a history of blah-de-blah”. You leave them with pamphlets, a business card and… Fibromyalgia (pending your blood labs don’t come back with anything else).
I like to think of this moment- as the moment you were given your super-power… Invisibility. My reason for sayin this, is that too often do chronic disorders go unnoticed by outside spectators. It is very difficult for anyone to really understand and know what you are dealing with on a daily basis. During the undiagnosed phase of having a chronic pain disorder, everything can be so ambiguous. Once diagnosed, its time to claim your power along with your weakness. Creating balance can be such a helpful tool in taking the steps toward health. This can be transmitted to everyone in search of unleashed power. You are full and beautiful and deserve to seek your whole and best self.
Owning the superhero inside only takes a few easy steps:
1) look in a mirror – although this could be a time to go straight into negative self-talk… try and refrain – I promise, you are beautiful and deserve love
2) recognize reasons why you may be feeling weak…. stressed? overwhelmed? in pain?… breathe in the reality of the crap…
3) recognize all the gifts and beauty that are around you… focus for a moment on the support system that you have, the spiritual path that you have chosen for your life… pray, dance, smile, trust….be kind
4) Lastly, as you obtain an understanding of the balance of your life… take a deep breath in and think about what your name would be if you were a super hero (i.e. wonder-man, or super-girl). It doesn’t matter what it is… just go with it… and POOF… you are now in control of your super power… OWN IT.
-I thought of “Lady of the light” …which feels a little less superhero-y than I was expecting… but I’m going with it…
-be amazing…. and be thankful